Humor!
We need a humor spot here.We all hear jokes and read humerous stuff and you folks at NCR used to have 'sic' so why not have a humor topic here? I think it might be a forum by itself.
If you would know what the
If you would know what the Lord God thinks of money, you have only to look at those to whom he gives it.
Maurice Baring
There once was a man who
There once was a man who said, "God
Must think it exceedingly odd
If He finds that this tree
Continues to be
When there's no one about in the quad."
Ronald Knox taking Subjective idealism to task.
Submitted by God (unverified)
Dear Sir, Your astonishment's odd.
I am always about in the quad
And that's why the tree
Continues to be
Since observed by, Yours faithfully, God.
Make love not war! or get
Make love not war!
or get married and do both!
The answer to Which came
The answer to Which came first, the chicken or the egg? surely has to be chicken. It's hard to imagine that God would want to sit on an egg for 21 days.
"When the missionaries came
"When the missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said, 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land."
Archbishop Desmond Tutu
Bible sales-The new pastor
Bible sales-The new pastor cleaning up the sacristy of the church found 200 bibles and decided that if he sold them in the community it would help him introduce the community to the church and raise a few dollars as well.The he asks for volunteers the following Sunday and Jack and Paul volunteer and well they should they were salesmen. They each took 20 bibles and Timothy a farmer decided to try as well.
The following Sunday they reported their achievements. Paul turned in $200 each and the pastor was delighted. The pastor then asked Timothy how he did,not expecting much because Timothy had a bad stammer was not too bright anyhow. Timothy turned in $1600 and every one was amazed. Paul was flabbergasted and challenged him a little and asked him how he did it. "w w w e ll I j- j- u- u- s- s -t- t a-s-k-k-e-d p-p-p -e-o-p-p-le if t-t-h-h-e-y w-w-a-n-n-t-t-e-d-d t-t-t o-o b--b -u-u-y-y- a B-b-b-i-i-b-b-bl-l--e or d-d-i-i-d-d- -t-t-h-h e-e-y-y- w-w-wa-a-n-n--t-t me t-t- oo-r-r-r-e-e-a-a-a-d-d-d i-t---tt-t t-t-h-h-e-e-m-m-"
Response of the retiring
Response of the retiring Anglican priest praising a lifetime of celibacy to his young replacement's noting that it is not a requirement of Anglican clergy: "AUGHHHHH...".
D'you think we'll get, this
D'you think we'll get, this semester,
A QM* joke from Sylvester
And - though his style doesn't promise -
A joke about Doubt from thomas ?
* QM = Quantum Mechanics
C'mon guys, make my day!
Best wishes for a very Happy Christmas to you both, and all who post.
A friend of mine has a
A friend of mine has a theory about things electronic: they operate on
smoke.
It is very important for each component to have the correct amount
of smoke, which is sealed inside at the factory. If this smoke ever gets
out, the part is no longer functional.
This is true: how many times have you ever seen an electrical or electronic device work right after smoke has been emitted?
(got this from google)
For humor’s sake, do I want to tarnish my “enlightenment” stereotype? Sure. The juxta-position of Thomas and me may feed the stereotypes that Thomas is the quintessential theistic (Tridentine) absolutist and I the atheistic (Enlightenment) mechanist. Notwithstanding our differences, Thomas and I probably agree on more than we differ.
As to “Quantum Mechanics”, I mostly do not use it; rather I use “quantum-electric” (universe) instead. This term specifically identifies the oneness of matter/ energy, materiality/ spirituality. All “quanta”, including atoms and molecules, are electrically charged, which accounts for cosmic divergence, convergence and emergence. When lightning strikes, atmospheric electricity is grounded; when atoms join, electron energy is grounded; when a sperm joins an egg, its energy is grounded.
The term “quantum mechanics” is used pejoratively in identifying Enlightenment atheism and the mechanistic worldview. To repeat myself, this is not where I come from; see http://ncrcafe.org/node/2047 As to the joke, the “smoke” is produced by short-circuiting caused by high voltage that zaps the circuitry.
http://www.evolution101.org/2000%20A%20SUMMARY%20PREVISION%20toward%20Global%20Revitalization.pdf, at page 47
ZAPPING MICROCHIPS
Twelve Volt Religion
In Millivolt Systems Smokes
Communication
Many thanks, Sylvester!
Many thanks, Sylvester! Here's a couple of Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle jokes I heard down our local from a Science teacher - who probably got them off the Internet.
Heisenberg was stopped by a traffic cop who asked, "Do you know what speed you were going?" He replied, "No, but I know where I am." Mildly amusing. This one's better:
In Munich there is a house with a plaque which reads, "Heisenberg might have slept here".
However these were topped, as usual, by one of the fixtures at the bar who claimed he had discovered the Heineken Uncertainty Principle which states that "You cannot be certain how many beers you had last night".
Perhaps that's why he was drinking Guinness ...
Again, Happy Christmas!
Now, where's thomas ?
King David and King
King David and King Solomon
Led merry, merry lives
With many, many lady friends
And many, many wives
But when old age crept over them
With many, many qualms
King Solomon wrote the Proverbs
And King David wrote the Psalms
James Naylor (1935)
The Agnostic by E. Y.
The Agnostic by E. Y. Harburg
No matter how I probe and prod
I cannot quite believe in God.
But oh! I hope to God that He
Unswervingly believes in me.
Pardon my blog hogging,
Pardon my blog hogging, but!
I got a million of'em!
Charlie returned from a day of golfing and was met in the garage by his wife, Agnes! She waited until he had put his clubs away and asked, "How was your game with the Bishop, dear?" Charlie sighed and replied, "How many times do I have to tell you Agnes? It wasn't my game with the Bishop! They only asked me to fill out a foursome so they could get the group green fees for the day at the club!" "Well who else was there?" she asked. "Well Agnes, there was Monsignor Conlon, the Bishop, and Augie Switzer!" Charlie disgustedly replied! "Charlie, you needn't snap my head off for just being concerned." Agnes offered. " You play so well and generally come home on top of the world! I'm sorry! You must have shot a really poor game." "It was OK until the third tee." Charlie began, "Then on the third tee, the Bishop tee'd up and took a swing with his driver. He lost his grip and his driver hit Augie Switzer smack between the eyes! Dropped him like a rock!" "Poor Augie," Agnes cried! "Is he OK?" "No Agnes, he's not OK! Augie's not OK! Charlie softened. He was dead before he hit the ground!" "Oh Charlie, that must have been terrible!" Agnes said consolingly. " Agnes, you have no idea!" Charlie said, softening even more. " The rest of the day it was, hit the ball, drag Augie, hit the ball, drag Augie, I'm going to have a hot shower and a nap!"
Well! I still think it's funny!
James Edward
My seven yr old sister came
My seven yr old sister came running in from school one day and shouted "there is smoke coming out of the cemetary" My mother explained "they are probably burning some debris" "Oh she said relieved --I thought they were digging a grave and dug it too deep"
I keep trying to think of
I keep trying to think of something funny about the leadership of the catholic church, and all I can come up with is:
What does the Magisterial Authority have in common with the Republican Party?
Mansions and Mercs
Castles and Cadillacs
Lexus's and Lies
OK, I'll give this humor
OK, I'll give this humor thing a roll of the dice. Here goes:
Waiting in line at the pearly gates where everyone goes when they die. There at the threshold was Peter as shepherd guarding the entrance. He told all the Catholics to go to Room 3 and they did as he said and they went to that room. Then he told all the other people waiting in line to 'go in very quietly past Room 3 so as to not disturb all the Catholics who thought you would never get to heaven without them.'
We see, read and hear so
We see, read and hear so many serious, often deadly events. Humor is the one element that is missing from so many lives. Sevenup---your idea is great!
So! A rabbi, a priest, and a
So! A rabbi, a priest, and a mulah walk into a bar ...
...
The Rev. Dr. E. McCoy
I give you a new commandment, that you love one another. Just as I have loved you... (Jn13:34)
Two toothless termites enter
Two toothless termites enter a bar one asks the other "Where is the bartender?"
A Panda walks into a bar
A Panda walks into a bar and sits at a table. The waiter comes over and the Panda orders a sandwich. After a short wait the waiter returns with his sandwich. The Panda pounces upon the sandwich and consumes it with the gusto of a starving hound dog! The moment the last morsel slides down the Pandas gullet, he whips out a pistol and shoots the waiter dead, then heads for the door!
The bartender is outraged! He shouts at the Panda, "What are you doing? You come in here and eat my food and kill my waiter and then try to leave without even paying your bill!" The Panda turns at the door and shouts back to the bartender, "Hey! I'm a Panda! Look it up!" and continues on his way. The bartender grabs a dictionary that he keeps behind the bar and pages quickly to the "P's"! He finds, "Panda, A bear like marsupial, indiginous to China. Noted for their striking black and white coloration. Eats shoots and leaves!"
Toothless termites indeed!
Rev. Dr. E! AND SO! At the
Rev. Dr. E!
AND SO! At the Monday morning accounts conference, held by the auccessful and prestigious law firm of Dewey
Cheatem and Howe, a conference call was arranged with their most lucrative client. The phone rang and Mr Dewey, founder and principal partner, answered with a cheery "Good morning your Holiness!" The reply rang back "Gutten Morgan Herr Dewey, Vat did you hef on your mind?" "Just a heads up for you, Your Holiness!" Mr. Dewey went on aimiably, "We have good news and we have bad news!" "Oh gutt!" responded the Pope, "I hef been hoping for some gutt noose!" "I imagined that you have," says Mr Dewey, "So the good news is that we have received a private and personal phone call from God!" "Tell me, Tell me, Vat did He hef to say?" asked the Pope excitedly! "He is in good health," the honorable Mr Dewey continued, "Though He is quite dismayed, with the ways of the world! He sees that through His divine intervention, all will be made well again!" "Indeet gutt noose! Vat coult de bed noose possibly be?" asked the Pope. The venerable attorney hesitated momentarily and replied, " Well Your Holiness,.... He was calling from Salt Lake City!"
OK! So it may be just a little moldy. When I was still working, guys, mostly maintenance people, would gather in my contro room and I would begin to tell stories! When they laughed I would offer, "I got a million of'em!"
I said so in the presence of a guy that I had worked with for about thirteen years and he said, "No James Edward! You've got twelve of'em!... And you tell'em over and over and over!" I realized then that it was time to "retire!"
God does have a sense of humor! How do I know? He made me didn't He?
James Edward
Back atcha JED, (this is a
Back atcha JED, (this is a true story that I believe as I have met the husband ...)
A woman who was an occasional Sabbath-keeper came to church one Christmas eve for the candlelight Eucharist and brought her Jewish husband who, in the past, had been reluctant to attend a Christian service. They sat through the service without much interest. It came to the end and the church was darkened and the isle candelabra were lit; the little hand-held candles were lit off the Christ candle and a brief hush of silence filled the church. The choir then led the congregation in singing Noel. The wife noticed that her husband was entranced! As they were leaving, he shook the hand of the priest vigorously and thanked her for a wonderful experience. The wife was astounded. They got outside and she turned to him and said, "I'm so glad that you liked the service, but I'm surprised. What is this all about?" He looked up at her and said, "I never knew this was what it is like in your church. You even make a hymn about it!! It was that last one that brought it all together. NO HELL. NO HELL! What a wonderful place this is!!"
True story - one of those kickers that make me believe the Holy Spirit is very, very funny.
Blessed Advent.
e+
The Rev. Dr. E. McCoy
I give you a new commandment, that you love one another. Just as I have loved you... (Jn13:34)
sevenup! You're kidding
sevenup!
You're kidding right? LOL! You really crack me up! You are so funny!
It speaks to you goodness, or your insanity, that you would consider that there is any humor to be found here!
Thomas'll be wadding you up like an "I SURVIVED CATHOLIC SCHOOL!" tee shirt!
MAN! You got courage!
James Edward
How odd Of God To choose The
How odd
Of God
To choose
The Jews
William Norman Ewer
But not so odd
As those who choose
A Jewish God
But spurn the Jews
Cecil Browne
Submitted by God's spokesperson (unverified)
Not odd
Of God:
Goyim
Annoy 'im